OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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