Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think your dad took our porno
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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