I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
