I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
