So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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