is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
pop tarts are not kleenex
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
