he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
this just has baby written all over it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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