I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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