im about as happy as oj after his trial
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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