Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
