Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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