Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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