A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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