Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
