The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize