Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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