sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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