Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
