Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize