i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
