I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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