OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
