it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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