I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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