His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
