we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
