just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
