if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
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