history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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