omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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