Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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