"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Someone shattered a urinal.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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