Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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