and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
