I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
