I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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