I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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