i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize