Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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