dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Randomize
