i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
