there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
She needs sedatives and a leash
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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