On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
honey bunches of taint.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
