It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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