Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
