I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
