i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
