My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
