i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
