i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
