i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
