i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
