According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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