I am spending my child support on dildos
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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