Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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