And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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