I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
