Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
