I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize