Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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